Monthly Archives: March 2013

My band of broken men

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m perpetually single.  I say that not with regret or sorrow, but rather with acceptance.  I quite enjoy my single life, the freedom I have to do who, what, when I want.  I rarely get lonely because I have so many great people in my life that all my needs are met.  Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I don’t at least attempt relationships on occasion.  I’ve noticed something through my pondering on my past relationships.  I’ve left behind me a band of no longer broken men.

I somewhat fancy myself a healer and this bleeds over into my personal life.  I tend to get involved with broken men, men I want to help, to fix.  I realize this could be unhealthy for me, but I still do it regardless.  The funny part is that generally my “fixing” works, and once we go our separate ways the men succeed at relationships and life.  I’ve often wondered why I can’t find someone who is not broken, who is already complete and whole.  I guess I realize now that I have two choices – Continue getting involved with broken men and remain single, or change my mind – literally change the way my mind thinks and instead of looking for someone to fix look for someone to share with.

Part of the reason I haven’t taken the second option is because I do actually enjoy being single.  I also get bored quickly (I like to say I have a short attention span) and I’ve yet to find someone who can hold my interest for longer than a few years, most often not longer than a few months.  Also, until recently I haven’t really been in a position to look for someone who is of the quality I would want to share my life with.  In other words, I’m still learning to adjust to my newly raised social standing.  I’m not quite sure where to find men of the caliber I would want.

As far as the broken men go – I suppose that I get some type of pleasure from knowing that they’ve learned and grown from their experiences with me and are now able to go on to share that learning and growth with someone else who would need it.  For now – I’m still in communication with many of them, some sporadic, some not so much.  Still a friend and willing and able to help them whenever and wherever I can.  Silver lining?  It helps me hone my healing and life coaching skills.

Advertisements

Karma – Written Aug, 2009

I had a great experience this morning and wanted to share it with everyone, but there is some background so stay with me.

Every morning where I get off my bus to go to work there is a homeless man on the corner. He is very nice and always has a smile, a wave and a “have a good day” for everyone he meets. During the time that I have worked at my job, I have gotten to know this man a little bit, and I can see that he has a good soul. There have been times when I have brought him ice cold water on a hot day, fruit that I knew he needed, cigarettes (daily) among other things. I do this because I can see that there is truly a need as well as an immense gratitude on his part.

This morning I went to a different bus stop than usual to catch my bus. As I was standing there, a bus drove by with the number that I usually take posted. The bus didn’t stop and the driver just pointed behind him, as though I was supposed to be at the stop back (it’s an express so it has limited stops). Frustrated and on the phone with the phone company I started walking so that I wouldn’t be late for work waiting on the next bus.

As I’m walking down the street, another bus goes by, this time the real bus I usually catch (I knew this because it’s the same driver every morning). I was unfortunately no where near one of the stops this bus uses. As I walked up to the corner, it was a red light and my bus was stopped there. I motioned to the bus driver to please let me on, which he did. Now you must understand that were his superiors or the police to observe this, or were it reported, he would be reprimanded and possibly fired. Even more so because he was in the Left turn lane and I actually had to walk through the stopped traffic to get on the bus.

I expressed my thanks to the driver and rather than letting the little mishap ruin my day, joked about what had happened with my fellow passengers. I discovered during this conversation that the first bus which had passed me, just had the wrong information posted on their sign.

While exiting the bus at my work stop, I again thanked the bus driver. As he was pulling off, I saw the homeless man wave at the bus driver as he does every morning. I walked down to the corner where the man was and gave him the customary morning cigarette. I briefly told him what had happened with the buses and then went on my way.

As I walked down the street I started thinking about Karma. I have tried diligently to lead my life the best way possible. I try to be honest, loving, supportive, happy, etc. As I look around at all that I am blessed with, I realize it is a direct result of the way I live my life. I have some of the most amazing friends on the face of the planet. I have a roommate that loves me more than life itself. I have a dream job where I am valued, trusted, appreciated and mentored to achieve excellence.

I would like to try a social experiment. Those who are with me on this strive to do or say something kind to someone whether a stranger or a friend every day for a week. At the end of the week reflect back on your experiences to see if you are happier, more loved, more appreciated, etc. I believe that if everyone in the world were to follow this pattern, we would live in Utopia. Lets each do our part to strive for that!

Thank you to all of my friends and family who love and support me in spite of my shortcomings! I love you all very much!

Hatred – Written Oct, 2010

I was told last night that someone who barely knows me HATES me.  When I asked why I was told that it’s because my laugh is annoying…huh…okay?

HATE? Hate is such a strong word…strong emotion…I can honestly say I don’t believe that I HATE anyone.  I may have disgust, pity, revulsion, but not HATE…and for someone to have such a strong emotion over something so inconsequential is so funny and sad to me.  Mostly sad though.

I feel bad for this person and others like her who go through their lives being angry, bitter and full of hate for no apparant reason.  In my experience, people are this way because of disappointments in their own life which they have been unable to come to terms with and move on from.  I’ve found that hatred, anger bitterness breed more of the same.  In the same way that love, kindness, sympathy, empathy breed more of the same.

If this person had taken one moment to get to know me as a person rather then make a judgement based on the limited interactions we’d had, they would realize that I am a good person, I am full of love and happiness and kindness…but no..that will never happen, not with this type of person.  They will continue to go through their lives angry, bitter and full of resentment.  They will continue to have a sad and lonely existence because they cannot see beyond their own pain and disappointment.

Thank you God, Universe, whatever the higher power that is which allows me to rise above suct contempt and continue to live my life the way I choose.  And thank you for the forethought to not make such rash judgements about others.  My hope is that more people in this world live their lives the way I do.  That would make for a much happier human race.

My Prayer – Written Oct, 2011

God –

I’ve done what I can do, I work full time, I pay my bills on time, I’m a good friend and a good person.  I quit drinking so that I could have clarity of thought, I’ve started working on my physical health so that my body can be the temple you’ve intended, but God – you keep throwing more and more at me.  I said ok.  I’ll be stronger and better, but I don’t know that I can be any stronger right now.  It takes everything I’ve got right now just to stay positive and get up every morning and stay sober.  I don’t have anymore to give God.  I can’t do anymore.  Please God, can you send a helping hand? Can you please ease this burden on my heart and on my soul?  Please God help me to know what I’m supposed to do, and open the doors for me to accomplish what I’m intended for.

Amen.

No More – Written Nov, 2011

I have no more joy to give,

no more happiness to send to others.

I have a hollow in my soul,

where no more positivity resides.

I have no more faith in my country,

nor in humanity itself.

I have no more smiles to share,

nor love to give.

I am empty and have no more.

Exhale

I know I’ve been absent for a while.  Life has been a whirlwind for me the past several months.  I finally got the long awaited promotion I’ve been working toward since May of last year.  I moved into a beautiful 3 bedroom Town home surrounded by wilderness and nature.  Tomorrow my son is coming for his very first visit to Seattle.

Everything I’ve been working for is coming to fruition.  Unfortunately because I’ve been so busy I’ve had little time to write.  I’ve strayed a bit from my spiritual journey, and I can feel that affecting my soul.  At a time when I should be nothing but jubilant I find msyself crying several times a day, letting my emotions run wild.  I’ve been withdrawn from friends and suffering from headaches and stomach pain.

So today, I am going to exhale…would you like to join me?

Deep breath – as far as you can go.  Hold it, Hold it, breath in just a little more, a little more – and exhale……

Again

Deep breath – as far as you can go.  Sit up straight.  Hold it, a little more, hold it….ehxale…

WHEW!  That second one made me cough and get a little light headed.

One more

(had to pee first, sorry)

Deep breath!  Big full lungs!  hold it! and…EXHALE!!!!

Don’t I feel better!

Today I’m letting  myself know that it’s O.K. to exhale.  I’ve worked hard.  I’ve suffered trials.  I’ve grown and learned.  I’m not done yet but I deserve a rest.  I’m going to relax, meditate for a while and prepare to enjoy my son to the fullest!

Be well Universe!

%d bloggers like this: