Category Archives: Prose
He’s funny. I laugh constantly when I’m around him.
He wraps his arms around me all night, sleeps as close to me as he can get.
He accepts every part of me, even the bad parts.
We can talk openly about anything and everything, even if we don’t always agree.
He’s my protector – when he’s near I feel safe.
He loves my children…even those he hasn’t met yet.
He’s open to new ideas and new ways of thinking.
He gives me my space when I need it.
He cooks for me – and loves doing it.
He rubs oil on my back when I ask him to.
He gives me hugs whenever I need them.
He tells the world that I’m his and he’s mine.
He listens to me when I just need to talk.
He’s introduced me to his family and friends – and they have all welcomed me with open arms.
He shares equally in the cost of living and in household chores.
He tells me I’m beautiful.
He forgives me when I make mistakes.
He encourages me on my path of personal growth.
He’s loud and obnoxious – just like me.
He’s a natural poet – I love his writing.
He recognizes when he’s made mistakes and strives to be a better man.
He is my best friend.
I’m so grateful for the man in my life and look forward to many years of growth and love between us.
I’m loving how my life is coming together so quickly. A month ago I was heartbroken, betrayed, lonely and bored. Tonight I’m sitting in my home, my daughter and boyfriend are downstairs playing games, the kitty goes back and forth between the living room and my bedroom. I’ve been smiling and laughing all week.
I’ve had to fight and work for all that I have, but when I consider the blessings in my life (including the beautiful naked man that just stood in front of me) I am so content.
This time next month my other daughter will be home. I will in 2 months have gone from a family of one to a family of 5. I’m making plans for our future and I’m thrilled about what is to come.
Thank you universe for seeing and hearing my needs and for showering me with love.
On the morning of May 8, 2011 I woke up from a drunken stupor. I was angry with my boyfriend over a fight we’d had the night before, and was miserable in my life. I started a fight with my boyfriend, which ended with me being beaten severely by him. When the beating was done, I went into the bathroom and sobbed. I looked in the mirror at my terrible face and through the pain and misery my eyes opened up for the first time in many years.
I made a resolution then and there to never touch alcohol again. I knew that it was the cause of much of the misery I’d experienced in my life and I was determined to not allow it to control my actions or my life any longer. When I first told friends and family that I was done drinking, there was much disbelief. They had heard this from me before and it had never stuck in the past. This time, I knew it was going to be different.
I recovered from the beating, left my boyfriend and moved into a new apartment. Initially I was extremely lonely. Most of my friends at the time were bar flies and because I was no longer drinking I lost many friends. I started making new friends at the AA meetings and clean and sober events that I was attending. After a few months I felt like AA was just a replacement addiction and so I quit attending the meetings, still resolute in my decision to never touch alcohol again.
I began meditating and running. In my new apartment I no longer had cable TV or radio so I spent much of my time reading and writing. I had a few friends who were still faithful to me and supportive of my decision to remain sober and I relied heavily on their support. It was so hard to FEEL my emotions for the first time and not be able to blanket them with alcohol. Rather than being miserable in my emotions, I reveled in them. It proved to me that I was still alive, still capable of feeling – something I had thought I’d forgotten how to do.
By the time I was sober for a year I felt very secure in my sobriety, however I was still miserable in my job and longed to have my family back. In April of 2012 I quit my full time job on a leap of faith in order to get into a much better career. Many people were leery of this move because it meant I would go from 40 hours a week to 18 hours a week, and I could barely make ends meet even at my full time job. I did it anyways because I knew it was the right move to make.
I did what I had to over the next 11 months to keep my rent paid and keep food on my table. At first I did massage in my free time, but massage is very draining and most of my clientele wanted more than massage, which was very demoralizing to me. In June of that year I met a man who needed a place to stay. I needed help with rent and was tired of doing massage so I invited him to move in with me. I ended up falling in love with this man, but in December he had a relapse on his drug of choice. I was devastated and had to end things with him. I explained how difficult my sobriety had been for me and that I couldn’t have things of that nature in my home and in my life. We are still friends and he hasn’t relapsed since. I’m very proud of the progress he is making in his life.
In January of this year I was offered a full time job with my new employer. Along with the job came a beautiful 3-bedroom home in a rural part of Northern Washington. I moved into my new home in February and have been working on getting settled in. Last week my oldest daughter moved back in with me after nearly seven years of living with my sister. In June my middle daughter will be coming to visit for 6 weeks to decide if she too would like to move back in with me. My son has decided to stay with my sister since she is the only mom he knows, and I’m ok with that.
These last two years have been a true roller coaster ride for me. I’ve had many ups and downs. I’ve learned many lessons and have had to come to terms with many hurtful things I did while drinking. But my life now is so completely different from what it was 2 years ago. I am happy; I am at peace and I love life – the good and the bad parts.
Today I am celebrating two years of sobriety. And I am looking forward to many more years of sobriety in my future.
To my friend;
I have been learning a lot lately about unconditional love and sensitivity to other’s needs and emotions.
I would like to apologize to you for my misbehavior. When you reached out to others and myself about the bombing of your brothers and sisters, I was insensitive. I should have realized that you were crying out for help, compassion, and friendship.
I am truly sorry for not recognizing your need and I understand why you were so upset with me.
I’ve learned that love, in relationships (including friendships), needs to be unconditional. That doesn’t mean without boundaries, but it needs to be lasting and eternal. I have violated that unconditional love in my friendship with you twice now.
You are one of the most passionate and fiery people I know. It is this passion and fire which I love so much about you, but which has also caused me to react poorly in your most desperate times of need. You are kind and honest. You give fully of yourself even when it is to your detriment. You continue to try even when others tell you to give up. You have survived so much pain and have learned and grown from each of these experiences. You are always willing to lend a helping hand. And you laugh and smile readily, even through your pain. You are gift to this planet, to your friends, and to your family. You are intelligent and humble. You are always willing to try new things.
I don’t know if you will be able to forgive me for my insensitivity, but I did want you to know that in spite of our arguments and differences I do love you.
I sincerely hope that you are well and happy.
It’s been brought to my attention over the past couple of days that more of my friends and family read my blog than I had thought. This just tickles my heart as it helps me realize that my words are being heard.
I’ve been trying to come up with ways to get more personal interactions from my blog – similar to the interactions we have on Facebook and other such sites. It was suggested to me today by one of my international pen pals to write about my earliest memories and ask my readers to tell me about theirs. I loved that idea – so here you have it!
I think my most prominent early memory is of teasing my baby sister. She had very fine blonde hair that my mom would put into a ponytail at the top of her head. My other sisters and I would pretend like it was a water fountain and “drink” out of it. Around the same time frame, we had a golden retriever named Toby. One Sunday while we were at church Toby was chained to a tree in the back yard. The female dog in the yard next door was in heat and Toby jumped over the fence to get to her. His chain got hung up on the fence and he hanged. My baby sister was so traumatized by this that for weeks all she would say was “Toby jump over the fence…Toby jump over the fence”.
My oldest sister was usually the babysitter when my parents weren’t home. One day she was cooking dinner for us and I noticed how RED the burner was. I asked her why, and she told me it was because it was HOT. I didn’t believe her and wanted to see for myself, so I put my right palm flat on the burner…OUCH!
We went to Disneyland for a family vacation during this time. Mom and Dad put the seat of the station wagon down so that us girls could lounge back there for the long trip. We stopped somewhere to eat and I had thrown up all down the front of my shirt. My mom washed the shirt out in the restaurant bathroom and I was able to ride bare chested while my wet shirt hung out the window to dry. OH THE FREEDOM! We stopped at a hotel on this trip and all of us girls were so excited that we couldn’t fall asleep. Mom told us that if we would just close our eyes for 5 minutes we could stay up and watch TV, I don’t know about my sisters, but I didn’t ever make it to the TV watching…I was instead watching the dreams in my mind. What a smart Mom I have.
When we got to OC we got lost trying to find the campground we were supposed to stay at. I remember Mom and Dad arguing about directions. We found the campground.
Wow – I’ve always thought that I didn’t remember much about my childhood but just writing these few memories has brought back a flood of others! I’m going to stop here or I would be going on for days.
I would love to hear some of my readers memories!
For about the past month or so, every time I look at my blog, I’ve severely disliked the title “Memoirs Of An Insane Woman” because although I felt that way about myself at one point in my life, I no longer do. Additionally that title no longer matched the content I am posting these days – which is all about personal and spiritual growth.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to change the title of my blog without deleting the content I’ve already posted but for some reason I couldn’t figure it out. When I did figure it out just now, I struggled for a few minutes trying to find a catchy title which resonated with me and my posts.
I’ve decided I’m just me. Ms. Fihaki. Full of love and growth. Every day learning and stretching. So that’s who I am, and will continue to be.
I love my B.O.B! He is the best a girl could ask for.
He doesn’t eat my food. He doesn’t make dirty dishes which he refuses to wash, he doesn’t piss on the toilet or leave the toilet seat up. He doesn’t ever care what I look like. I don’t have to listen to him talking incessantly. He doesn’t play video games which I’m morally opposed to. He doesn’t make any messes (he just makes me make messes). He doesn’t steal from me, or lie to me or cheat on me. I don’t have to entertain him (although he entertains me quite often). The amount of money I spend on him is quite minimal.
He’s always “ready to go” when I am. I don’t have to suck on him to arouse him. He always makes sure I’m taken care of. He goes as long or as short as I want. When we are done playing, he doesn’t take up half the bed, or snore in my ear, or grind his teeth in his sleep. He doesn’t get jealous when I talk to or play with other men. Whenever I’m angry or sad or depressed, he always knows how to make me feel better.
He doesn’t act like a bully one minute and a baby the next. He never hurts my feelings or yells at me. I don’t have to introduce him to my family or friends, and in fact – they would prefer if I didn’t. He doesn’t have any family or friends to introduce me to, so there’s never an issue with that. He doesn’t look at other women, nor does he have any desire to be with anyone but me…How could he?
I love my B.O.B. He IS the best a girl could ask for.
But then – there’s this…Love the song – love the lyrics….
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m perpetually single. I say that not with regret or sorrow, but rather with acceptance. I quite enjoy my single life, the freedom I have to do who, what, when I want. I rarely get lonely because I have so many great people in my life that all my needs are met. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I don’t at least attempt relationships on occasion. I’ve noticed something through my pondering on my past relationships. I’ve left behind me a band of no longer broken men.
I somewhat fancy myself a healer and this bleeds over into my personal life. I tend to get involved with broken men, men I want to help, to fix. I realize this could be unhealthy for me, but I still do it regardless. The funny part is that generally my “fixing” works, and once we go our separate ways the men succeed at relationships and life. I’ve often wondered why I can’t find someone who is not broken, who is already complete and whole. I guess I realize now that I have two choices – Continue getting involved with broken men and remain single, or change my mind – literally change the way my mind thinks and instead of looking for someone to fix look for someone to share with.
Part of the reason I haven’t taken the second option is because I do actually enjoy being single. I also get bored quickly (I like to say I have a short attention span) and I’ve yet to find someone who can hold my interest for longer than a few years, most often not longer than a few months. Also, until recently I haven’t really been in a position to look for someone who is of the quality I would want to share my life with. In other words, I’m still learning to adjust to my newly raised social standing. I’m not quite sure where to find men of the caliber I would want.
As far as the broken men go – I suppose that I get some type of pleasure from knowing that they’ve learned and grown from their experiences with me and are now able to go on to share that learning and growth with someone else who would need it. For now – I’m still in communication with many of them, some sporadic, some not so much. Still a friend and willing and able to help them whenever and wherever I can. Silver lining? It helps me hone my healing and life coaching skills.
I had a great experience this morning and wanted to share it with everyone, but there is some background so stay with me.
Every morning where I get off my bus to go to work there is a homeless man on the corner. He is very nice and always has a smile, a wave and a “have a good day” for everyone he meets. During the time that I have worked at my job, I have gotten to know this man a little bit, and I can see that he has a good soul. There have been times when I have brought him ice cold water on a hot day, fruit that I knew he needed, cigarettes (daily) among other things. I do this because I can see that there is truly a need as well as an immense gratitude on his part.
This morning I went to a different bus stop than usual to catch my bus. As I was standing there, a bus drove by with the number that I usually take posted. The bus didn’t stop and the driver just pointed behind him, as though I was supposed to be at the stop back (it’s an express so it has limited stops). Frustrated and on the phone with the phone company I started walking so that I wouldn’t be late for work waiting on the next bus.
As I’m walking down the street, another bus goes by, this time the real bus I usually catch (I knew this because it’s the same driver every morning). I was unfortunately no where near one of the stops this bus uses. As I walked up to the corner, it was a red light and my bus was stopped there. I motioned to the bus driver to please let me on, which he did. Now you must understand that were his superiors or the police to observe this, or were it reported, he would be reprimanded and possibly fired. Even more so because he was in the Left turn lane and I actually had to walk through the stopped traffic to get on the bus.
I expressed my thanks to the driver and rather than letting the little mishap ruin my day, joked about what had happened with my fellow passengers. I discovered during this conversation that the first bus which had passed me, just had the wrong information posted on their sign.
While exiting the bus at my work stop, I again thanked the bus driver. As he was pulling off, I saw the homeless man wave at the bus driver as he does every morning. I walked down to the corner where the man was and gave him the customary morning cigarette. I briefly told him what had happened with the buses and then went on my way.
As I walked down the street I started thinking about Karma. I have tried diligently to lead my life the best way possible. I try to be honest, loving, supportive, happy, etc. As I look around at all that I am blessed with, I realize it is a direct result of the way I live my life. I have some of the most amazing friends on the face of the planet. I have a roommate that loves me more than life itself. I have a dream job where I am valued, trusted, appreciated and mentored to achieve excellence.
I would like to try a social experiment. Those who are with me on this strive to do or say something kind to someone whether a stranger or a friend every day for a week. At the end of the week reflect back on your experiences to see if you are happier, more loved, more appreciated, etc. I believe that if everyone in the world were to follow this pattern, we would live in Utopia. Lets each do our part to strive for that!
Thank you to all of my friends and family who love and support me in spite of my shortcomings! I love you all very much!
To be quite honest I am not a fan of the “holidays”. I feel like the commercialism of “Christmas” has completely buried the original (and I mean ORIGINAL) reason for celebration. Today we are celebrating the winter solstice, new life and new beginnings – yet all anyone thinks about are presents, money, hustle and bustle. I would like to share with you my holiday experiences this year.
Every year I dread Christmas. I’m always alone and try to separate myself from the hustle and bustle of the season. This year is no different. As I’m waiting for the bus yesterday morning I’m feeling grumpy about being alone on Christmas once again. My grumpiness is increased because of the lack of nicotine in my system. I see a lady smoking and ask her for a cigarette. We start chatting and discover that we are waiting for the same bus. We sit next to each other on the bus and chat for the next hour about all kinds of things. We exchange phone numbers and make plans to hang out. Neither of us have many female friends but both are excited about the new friendship we’ve made with each other.
While I’m at work I get a call from my boss. He tells me that our accountant just gave her notice and they need to fill her position as soon as possible. I explain that I know someone (a friend of mine) who is in desperate need of a job and would be a great fit with our organization. I send him her resume and by the end of the day the two of them have scheduled an interview for the following day. This friend of mine got me my first real job in Seattle, a job which was directly responsible for me being able to be in the position I’m in today. She’s also always been there for me when I needed her. She is one of the most giving and caring people I’ve ever known. She is a single mom and has been out of work for about 7 months. She is getting desperate and depressed about her situation. I feel the need to help her now in her time of need if I am at all able to. My boss tells me he’s thrilled about her resume and I just have a feeling that he is going to offer her a job on the spot.
On my way home from work I call an old friend of mine who I recently reconnected with. We haven’t talked in a few months and I’m immediately apologetic for not keeping in touch. By the end of our conversation I’m laughing and my spirits are high. We’ve made plans to get together after the first of the year – and he professes longstanding feelings for me. I’m SHOCKED! I’d been completely oblivious to his interest in me but there was always an interest in him on my part. I’m thrilled about the possibilities of what may come.
When I get home from work I get comfortable and partake of my medicine (ah lovely greenery – how you ease my soul). After a few minutes there is a knock on my door. My friend who is interviewing with my organization and my best friend are standing at my door with bags full of food. They know my finances are tight right now and have conspired to make sure I have food in my home for the holidays. We sit and chat for hours reminiscing on fun times in our past and making plans for New Years. Throughout the night I’m amazed at the beauty of paying it forward. In me helping someone in need, my needs have been met.
Today I’m on cloud nine. I’m looking forward to a long weekend and a fun-filled Christmas bringing meals to my homebound tenants. As the day progresses I am showered with love and gifts from friends in my life. I’m amazed at the outpouring of kindness and love which is coming my direction. I’m sitting at my desk now – thinking about how my life has changed this year. I’m so grateful for all the positive changes I’ve made in my life.
This afternoon I’m going to be bringing a bed and some other furniture to a formerly homeless new tenant of mine who has no furniture and has been sleeping on the floor since moving in. When I told her that I was going to be donating this furniture to her she cried. She is so grateful for the opportunity to get off the streets and have a warm safe place to call home.
This holiday season my heart and soul are filled with joy. I’m making a difference in people’s lives and they are in turn making a difference in mine. That to me is the TRUE spirit of Christmas. I pray that we can all pause for a minute in our busy schedules and reflect on the deeper meanings of this holiday season.
Blessings my friends.